TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally away from position. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have A different location where American Guys can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Every person a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really prevent making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from space, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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